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[izz_zz_zzy]

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[izz_zz_zzy]

only just now seen a reply to a message i sent them saying that i would give the event a miss because of no sleep + anxiety

because of anxiety

and the reply should not be "disappointing"

is that

isnt that

if thats their way of saying "oh no what happened" i....

why would you use such a word

or more specifically why does such a word as DISAPPOINTING make me feel so hurt and that they completely missed the point of what i was saying

have i been misunderstood

did they think it was just some manageable worry

i was not breathing about it

so skipped the event

i would have gone and just took 4 days off to recover but those four days were my london trip that i needed to save my spoons for

also

i fucked up by phrasing it in person like "i went to a fun london trip instead"

thereby removing any sort of ally because it sounds like i skipped it for a fun excursion

disappointing

and these are the same people im supposed to ask for help

[izz_zz_zzy]

i cant do it

[izz_zz_zzy]

did i need to say upfront that i require different language?????

did no one think that someone like me would have been put in an institution 100 years ago but for some reason i was born in a time where such people have to just pull themselves up by the bootstraps and just get on with it?

[izz_zz_zzy]

i dont want the only reason i get a massive amount of work done is out of spite

i want to want to do it

[izz_zz_zzy]

no because if you give me 1 week to do task then ill leave it till the last minute and sometimes last minute gets interrupted so task doesnt get finished at all. then i show up to the meeting with no task. and then having got ready to come to the meeting i am in work mode or fawn mode and then i beleive i can get it done for next time. but then i go back home to my house my safe place in which no outside world exists and i forget to do the task

[izz_zz_zzy]

sometimes the outside world doesnt exist so there is no task to be done.... until the weekend when i realise after the weekend theres only 2 more days to do the task because my meeting is on tuesday

[izz_zz_zzy]

i dont think you realise im not overcomplicating it on purpose. i just cant make sense of these abstract concepts in my head.

[izz_zz_zzy]

laundry, dishes, or clearing weeds is a tangible thing that looks different the longer you work on it

which is why im going to scrutinise everything i look at, in a dreamwidth post, so we can look together and actually figure out whats going wrong.

look at this 2000 word essay i just wrote in which i passed by 200 different jobs because they were all care or driving

[izz_zz_zzy]

whats going wrong is that no matter how little i put in or if i work my butt off, in the end its someone elses decision

even if im a solid candidate, like that one time.

they can ADORE me but still have to make a decision between two people and, a coin flip, and it wasnt me who was picked

so why would i put effort in when i can put in effort and use spoons and exhaust myself for not even a guaranteed result

[izz_zz_zzy]

spoon theory

[izz_zz_zzy]

there is no benefit for me

look at these 100 jobs i applied for please take me seriously

woah this dude really wants a job id better give hi. one

no

thats not how it works

if anything theyre gonna be like well they just want to work for anyone

connection

that anyone would want to hear "your company rocks"

[izz_zz_zzy]

...

[izz_zz_zzy]

i dont want instant messaging any more i just want absolute chaos blog messages one after the other

[izz_zz_zzy]

i replied and i replied really long and thoughtful and many many little messages

and they are on this blog post titled "response to response to response to your thing you said"

[izz_zz_zzy]

YOU CAN LINK ANYTHING TO ANYTHING ITS CALLED HTML URL HYPERLINK IT GOES ANYWHERE